Obession

Obsession: David Crowder

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

Chorus

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...for You
And I am so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I am stubborn, Lord, and I am longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate Without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like bird


I think, is about our day-to-day "swing" of hearing God and then going through a drought and then hearing Him again. But all the time, our heart should burn for him and then we'll be surrounded like a fog. The past few weeks have been foggy nights and fog just clouds everywhere and you feel enclosed and that if you walked into a thick patch of fog, you'd be completely invisible and safe. Isn't it interesting that when driving through fog, bright lights make it worse so you can't use them and have to settle for just your regular headlights? That's how we have to remember tha God's there; not in the flashy bright light that we're looking for, but in the regular, dim, smaller light and the only way to get through the fog is to watch the regular light. You're always safe with a regular light in fog; just like you're always the safest at the center of God's will. Until the fog lifts. . . . follow the regular light.

Brokeness

Man, brokeness... I am broken, I don't think I can handle it anymore... I keep surrendering more and more of my life to You. Thats not enough, I need to surrender it all. Thats what makes things so painful. I try to surrender it all, but my plans keep coming back at me. I try to surrender again... and again the process repeats itself. And after each cycle, it gets even more painful.

There are some decisions I need to make in my life. I don't want to make them, but I have to. I wish God would speak to me...why does He seem so silent... I need His direction in this... I know He is faithful, I know He cares so much for me, I know He wants His best for me... but why does He seem so silent during this time... a word would be nice... even if its a harsh word... but silence...

My heart aches....

Help me Lord...

Help me Lord to trust in You this time. Lord you are good, you are good! Help me, give me strength as I go through this... I can't do this on my own.... my heart is broken....

Help me Lord, I can't get through this without You...

Shortsightedness...

Continous submission?

Its so hard to believe that during the times of pain and disappointment that God wants His best for You. Even, during the times that you spend so much time in prayer, perserving in prayer, asking God for something to happen, and He remains silent... not even a word. You ask people around to pray, you continously give up the situation to Him.... yet He is still silent. You pray with such faith, and ask with expectation (James 1:5-6) and yet He remains silent...

I guess what I'm realizing that the suffering, pain, disappointment and tears is the process of His best or perhaps even His best for me right now. So often and yeah...pretty much everytime...I can only see whats infront of me and yeah, its pretty shortsighted. But the funny thing is that God sees the full perspective. In the process of pain and suffering, there is brokenness. But yeah, brokeness is what God wants (Psalms 51:17)



3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5: 3-5 MESSAGE)

Tired and so sleepy

Well, its about 1:30 in the afternoon and yeah... i can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so sleepy for some reason. I guess its a combination of having nothing to do, quiet office and full lunch. hahaha...even my laughing is weak.

Been thinking about a lot of things lately. I guess you can only think and analyze so much before you dive in. hahaha... I'm the guy that likes to take a calculated risk with backup plans of backup plans. To ensure that if something goes wrong, that i'm prepared for it. Hahaha..man, i worry about the stupidest things. Whatever happen to "trust in the Lord with your heart and lean not on your own understanding"??? *sigh* With all these thoughts crammed in my head, man I just want to stop thinking all together! and let things happen... perhaps that might be the best approach right now.... we'll see... "and in all your ways acknowledge him and he'll make your path straight" ... God, you are God! Thank you for your interest in my life and your interventions. Your intentions for me are the best for me. I know that you know whats best for me and the people around me... help me to be obedient to what you want me to do and give me the strength to follow through.

ok i know i'm not making any sense...hahaha...i'm just tired.... Thats what a blog is for just random and incoherent thoughts...hahaha

Man...shoot i just open my eyes and yeah apparently 5 mins just passed...

Time for a walk

Worthy

Have you every met people in your life that you simply don't deserve?

The friends and fellowship of those who sincerly care for you for who you are... Man I'm so blessed to have people who would go out of the way just to see how i've been doing. That would ask me the hard, tough and honest questions. So hard to find people who actually show that geniune care about you. God is good, these people are a great reminder that I am loved and worthy of love and to be loved.
I think it's just amazing how rich we become when we make things simple again and realize how many blessings we do have, no matter how big or small

God is good. Even the times when He seems so silent, for He is silently working in us. Thank You!

God you're good! :)

Holidays! 4 days till christmas...

Man!

I can't believe its almost Christmas! Man, I'm excited! So I thought I had all my shopping all done 2 weeks ago, but turns out that I didn't. Infact, I completely forgot about my cousins, all of them. Yeah not cool.

Lately, I've been thinking and just mediating on some scripture. I've been trying to memorize the book of Psalms. Not working too well so far, haha, but i do remember bits and piecies. Anyways, today I was just thinking about David and his psalms, his heart for God and I guess his character in general. Yeah, it was one of those days... I just sat on the toliet and just kept thinking... You know, I guess since graduation I've learn some things. I remember that I so didn't want to go to the working world. I wanted to stay in school and maintain my friendships and fellowship with crusade, classmates and friends. It was hard adjusting from a fast-pace life (from weekly assignments, exams and other weekly commitments) to a very slow down pace of the working life (lots and lots of quiet time). I guess when things slow down, you get alot of alone time. And yeah I do get lonely sometimes. I want to be in the presence of friends, want to fellowship with people, want to "tell the world that Jesus lives". Since school is over, its been hard to do these things. But yeah, i guess its about moving on to the next step in life. And yeah, God has maintained a group of great guys that I've kept accountable with and brought new people into my life. God is good!

Lately, I've been reflecting through the pages of my journal and past entries of this blog. You know, despite the loss of that community, I wouldn't trade this period of alone time for anything in the world. Man, I think I've learned more about myself and God in these past few months than I have last year (note: this may be highly exaggrated). I've been relearning old things and yeah, when I crack open the bible, I feel like a kid in a candy store. I'm like, "God, what are you gonna show me today?" and man... haha... it just gets exciting! All in all, its so simple and yes we've all heard it, understood it and can only be summed up in one way. "Be still and Know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Its like understanding it for the first time again! woot! woot! hahaha...
Ok, I think my coworkers are getting creeped out by my giggling and laughing.
Ok, looks like lunch is over too. Crap... anyways:

Merry Christmas All! Really! I ask God for a increase of His Peace and Joy upon all of your lives!

Blessings!

December! 25 days till Christmas!

Man, its so cold outside. We were definitely spoiled last week.
I think i'm getting sick, all day yesterday i was sneezing and producing my own version of "wontons".

Anyways, on another note, its finally december! Yeah, i'm so looking forward to the holidays, I think i get like 14 days off. Haha...not bad, not bad at all. I'm trying to think of some gifts for some gals. Dang, its so hard to shop for women. I mean i understand that they want something thoughtful and creative and nothing too generic. But in all honestly, its so hard to think of insightful gifts without giving them the wrong impression. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Dang!

Dang, bad day.

So, i just got some tea from the office drink machine. Got back to my cubicle and sat down on my chair. Drinking my hot tea, I placed my free hand on the edge of my desk and began to pull myself to my computer. As I was pulling, my fingers slipped, and *punch*... I canned myself, fast and hard. In pain used both hands to comfort the sore area and yup, I forgot I had the tea, spilled my hot drink on my crotch area. Immediately, I jumped out of my seat and then my foot gets caught from one of the wheels from my chair and yup, tripped over my chair and *bang* the back of my head goes right into my filing cabinet...

Dang...what a bad day...

Multitasking....

You know if you think about it, I don't think I would ever have to wear pants again....
All it needs now is a microwave or oven...hehehe...to eat as you crap...haha...ok maybe not....

Ahhhh...yes!

I just slay another dragon...hehe

The dream is gone...lost another one...

So some jerk placed a bid on my guitar, well its not my guitar anymore...nor did I put a bid on it, but it was to be my guitar.

This was suppose to be me -> Imagine this:

Scores of women, may I say good looking women, screaming in adoration. Laser lights and fog effects. Bandmates in awe, staring at centre stage... all waiting in anticipation. Suddenly the noise gets louder, stage lights are all focus at the centre. And *BOOM* fireworks flying here and there. And then... the dream is gone, it will never happen... darn.

Darn, I'm really disappointed that I didn't bid on that thing. Deals comes and goes...just have to wait on the next one.

Anyways, this morning as I was walking from the train station to work, some JWs approach me. Being deeply hurt by my lost, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with them, and man I was a jerk to them this morning. "Confess your Sins and Repent or go to Hell!" I screamed.... ok that was actually in my head, but I was this close /-------/ (put your thumb and a finger on the two dashes) to saying it. Instead, I just politely told them that I wasn't interested and headed to work....

So I sit here by my desk just thinking... really thinking. You know it really got me thinking about that thought I was so tempted to say. So yeah thinking, thinking. I think alot of us Christians are arrogant, selfish, prideful jerks. The hardest thing for anyone of us (christians or non-christians) is confession. Not only confession to God, but confession to people. If I could only apologize to all those who have been hurt by "Christianity". Hurt by the mix of politics with the message of Jesus' love and grace. The fact that alot of people won't listen to the message of the cross because of people like me, who know Him, carry our own agendas into the conversation rather than just relaying the message that Christ wanted to get across. Man... I am sorry. This hurts, man I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Day Dreamer Idealist

Most people have a dream of where they want to arrive and who they want to be—this is very important because it’s what motivates us to get there. Not having this vision would be like setting out on a journey without a destination in mind.

Idealist
Defintion: perfect, existing only in the mind, especially as one that cannot be found in real life.

I remember reading from one of my textbooks about what an idealist is:
"An idealist is someone who pursues idea that exists only in the mind, not in reality." However, a serious idealist chases such a goal to the extreme.
There’s a fine line between healthy idealism and empty-fantasy idealism.

Again in the textbook it mentions that a healthy idealism provides "drive, momentum and hope"—something everybody needs in today’s broken world. While empty-fantasy idealism, can result in chasing an elusive dream—something that doesn’t exist.

Pursuits may include:

• the perfect job/career
• the perfect woman ... hehe...
• the perfect adventure ... (slaying "dragons")
• the perfect social life ... (never to be forgotton)

Obviously, none of these ideals are available in our less-than-perfect world.
If you’ve ever felt, or are feeling, dissappointment and exasperation with the slow progress in accomplishing your future goals, you are not alone.

Things don’t always happen as fast as we’d like them to. But don’t give up! Keep running. (Phil 3: 14- 17)

Very few noteworthy, respected figures reached success simply by traveling from Point A to Point B; for some it was Point A to Point Q. There were many stops in between, some that might, at first, be seen as delays.
However, what may appear as an obstructive delay is actually where you need to be. We learn significant lessons during life’s “delays” that pave the road for the journey ahead.

Healthy growing means recognizing that it sometimes takes difficult mid-way learning experiences to equip us to accomplish dreams.
I'd like to share a fascinating summary I read recently of a well-known man’s disappointments. Here is a summary of the obstacle course on his road to success:

at age 7 - His family is forced out of their home on a legal technicality and as a child he works to support them.

at 9 - His mother dies

at 22 - He loses his job as a store clerk. He wants to go to law school, but his education isn’t good enough.

at 23 - He goes into debt to become a partner in a small store

at 26 - His business partner dies leaving him a huge debt that takes years to repay

at 28 - After courting a girl for 4 years, he asks her to marry him and is rejected. ( Man, thats got to hurt)

at 37 - On his third try, he is elected to Congress, but 2 years later, he fails to be reelected.

at 41 - His 4-year-old son dies

at 45 - He runs for the Senate and loses

at 47 - He fails as the vice-presidential candidate

at 49 - He runs for the Senate again and loses

at 51 - He is elected president of the United States

Who was this man? His name is Abraham Lincoln, a man many consider "the greatest leader the country ever had” (James Hewett).

Though, I ain't American this is something worth looking into, this president endured many heartbreaks and failures before he reached his ideal, and even then it didn’t mean that troubles were over.

But all of the tough times on his journey to presidency —including losing close family members at a young age, financial hardships, and repeated political defeat, prepared him for what he would have to face as a nation’s leader.

By definition, commitment requires that you stick with it when it’s tempting to quit... like relationships...but thats another story...

Reuben Morgan!

Man, Reuben Morgan at Tehillah last night! Man the worship was really awesome. The music and songs were really simple but intimate, I guess thats what worship is really about simplicity and initmacy. He didn't sing anything from his own album, he did however sing a few songs from the "God He Reigns" album so that was cool.

Just have to say wow, I was just blown away yesterday. Man, it was so awesome.

Plus, I manage to talk with Mr. Morgan for a bit, got his autograph and a picture too! Man, just like the other Hillsong people, he's really humble and yeah was a bit taken back on why I would ask for his autograph... hehehe.. but he was kind enough to write something.

Oh yeah its my little sisters birthday today. Happy 10th Birthday Debs!

Jesus Loves

Yeah thats right, Jesus loves! He loves you!

The greatest love that anyone can know...

Emotions

Man, don't you ever get those days when you know there is something big? you've seen it and want it? and its stirring in your heart, to the point that the emotions consumes you completely? And you just want to go out and take it?
But at the same time when you finally get back down to reality and let your thoughts settle...you just can't because of the lack of resources, lack of faith? or could it be not right time?

(No...this is not about women or relationships....)

Man, dont' you ever get those days when you are just so frustrated when you can't do anything?
I've been so frustrated with myself and I guess with God with the fact that when are these things going to happen? When will His plans for me happen? I've been talking to people about it, encouraging them and being encouraged and such...but man...why can't I believe whole-heartly (100%) in the things and words I am saying. So I turn to the bible, and the first verse I see as I open the word was this...
2Then the LORD said to me, "Write my answer in large, clear letters on a tablet, so that a runner can read it and tell everyone else.
3But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
14For the time will come when all the earth will be filled, as the waters fill the sea, with an awareness of the glory of the LORD.

Habakkuk 2: 2-3, 14 (NLT)

My reaction was ....(Psalms 46:10).....

You just have to recieve it.

Man, don't you ever get those days...

Decision Making

The wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon, had this to say about life:
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;nothing was gained under the sun
(Ecclesiastes 2:10, 11).

King Solomon had a pretty satisfying life. He took time to relax and enjoy himself but also worked hard to accomplish things. Yet, when he looked at everything he had achieved, he wasn’t satisfied.
Solomon was at the top of the success ladder:
-Distant kings visited him to view his splendorous palace.
-He had the highest IQ anywhere—wise teachers from across the world came to hear him speak.
-He did not lack female companionship, either.

Yet, despite all this, he found only one thing that could be counted as gain: his personal relationship with the God of the universe.
Maybe this wise guy’s success secret is worth looking into…
-God created you and knows you better than you know yourself. He knows your talents and weaknesses.
-He knows your dreams and is aware of your struggles growing up.
-He’s in a position to offer the best possible help to you in any situation and he deeply desires to do so.

Decision-making and other challenges will still be tough sometimes—troubles don’t all disappear after saying yes to God. But what an encouragement it is to know that you’re not alone in facing these life struggles.
How great to know that a loving, powerful, and faithful friend is walking you through them!

Man, just got to keep believing and more on.

Looking for a reason...

Even though I know I have a purpose, a reason, its the time waiting inbetween that sometimes really gets to me. Just found one of my old Michael W. Smith CD's "Go West Young Man" and listen to "My Place in this world" man, just got me thinking of how so many of us have a yearning to do something.

The waiting and seeking out part sometimes doesn't feel enough. Why doesn't it feel enough? Could it be a lack of faith? Laziness? impatience? or the fact that waiting isn't anything of "action" or moving forward.

Its funny though, because at the same time, I know what I'm suppose to do and what needs to be done. However, I don't want to do it that way, I want to do that some other way (my way) where you can atleast see some fruit from your work.

However, fruit from my own doing can only last no more than just a moment, then it will die and not reproduce. That could be my problem, thinking that some other alternative is better, and knowing that it will lead me in circles and leave me nowhere.

I want to see vision, I want to dream dreams and fullfill God's purpose in my life and do them with His blessing. Why do I think that the way that I think is better (and faster) than the path that He has already set before me?

Man...why can't I let it sink in...and get it from my head and into my heart.

Anyways... here are the lyrics:

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m
Chorus:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m...

Broken

Broken

Guess I deserve it...

I can turn to you God and I will...but my heart is just full of this guilt.
Selfishness, confusion, lack of understanding could be my excuse.
Excuses is not to blame.
But it was my action (lack of action). Therefore my fault.
Actions and decisions will be defended.
I have no strength to defend. No pity accepted either. I will take the full brunt of this...
and become broken.

Interesting.. very encouraging

Man sometime I wonder about my future and stuff. Is the working world really for me right? Or am I call to greater things?

The answer is both. We all sometimes get that "greater calling" sense whether in: career, music, ministry, work, school, etc.... I think thats what makes us human. However, I think that above all this, our sense of greater purpose is something thats in still in us from our creator.
Yes, we all do have a calling. Though we may not think that current situations that we're in may have any purpose.. but it does... Most of us know Jer. 29:11 verse by heart, but if you look at the verses before hand its pretty interesting.
In Jer. 26-29 Its a chapter that talks about the Israelities and the situations they were currently in... under oppression from Babylon...but the Lord said in verse 7 "And work for the peace and prosperity of Babylon. Pray to the Lord for that city where you are held captive, for if Babylon has peace, so will you." (NLT) I mean..WOW.. even under oppression.. work
for the propersity of their captors, pray for them, for when they are blessed so are you!
Wow... so yes, before I get too off topic... Israel under oppression was a calling.

And once we fulfill that calling we will move on to other things... "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you ...(Wow! :) there is that word again, "prosper")...to give future and a hope".
What a promise! Man! Lord, I AGREE with that promise! I AGREE with the plans that you have for me! I AGREE with the future you have for me! Lord, I AGREE! (...why bothering disagreeing eh?)

What a father! There is nothing we can do to make God love us more, yet there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. Thank you Father!